Dear Evil Granny,
My sister is a strong supporter of President Trump and his family. So, when her twins, Izabell Sofiaa and Mason Liam turned six, I thought it would be a perfect gift to give them the President and First Lady action figures. You know, the one where President Trump speaks his famous catch phrases and statements like, “Build a Wall,” “When I come home and dinner’s not ready, I’ll go through the roof,” “Nasty Woman,” “Grab ’em by the p***y” and “No one has more respect for women than I do.” The First Lady says things like, “I’ve got to get undressed for my photo shoot,” “Modeling can help you meet a rich husband,” “I don’t care, do you?,” and “Moisturizing your skin is so important.” I even included the optional First Lady photo shoot outfit with Apron and leather dominatrix collar.
I wrapped them up nicely and included a card for each child that said, “Happy Birthday and I hope President Trump and the First Lady will be a great role model for your lives!
To my great surprise, my sister exploded, calling me every name in the book, from the b-word to Traitorous Snowflake to f-ing commie hag. She now refuses to speak to me and won’t explain what I did wrong. Evil Granny, what DID I do wrong? How can I mend this breach?
Sisterless in Mid-America
Dear Sisterless,
What you did wrong was simple. You neglected to include the obligatory Nuclear War Protection kit consisting of a lead shield for your niece’s and nephew’s reproductive organs and brains. In addition, you should have given each of them, the new Franklin Graham Republitrump Bible with the Words of Trump in red ink replacing the misintrepreted words of Jesus. Shame on you. Send the additional gifts to her, with an abject apology for your insensitivity. Maybe, just maybe, she will forgive you.
Retirement in Trump's Amerika 